The Race For The Last Rose

I found my everything

The Bachelorette, Season Finale, Episode Recap

Welcome to Dumpsville, Arie. Population: YOU. Too soon?

Unfortunately for a lot of Arie fans Arie and Emily will not  be skipping off into the sunset. Instead Jef with one ‘F’ and Emily…and Ricki will be skating into their new lives. And you know what, for once I’m really happy with the final decision. I might have been Team Jef, but I really think that Jef and her were a better fit.

It’s the season finale and you bet your ass Emily is going to out sparkle us tonight with her last (and final) pageant princess gown. And we’re still in Curacao, not on top on a mountain top in the Swiss Alps, not overlooking the Pitons of St Lucia. You think ABC would have stepped it up for the last episode.

Emily still isn’t sure if she wants either of the guys to meet Ricki. She wants to be sure if she gets in engaged it’s for real this time, because she really has fallen in love with both guys and still isn’t sure who to pick.

It’s time to meet Emily’s family. And oh boy are we in for a treat.

Jef meets her parents first, and makes good by bringing her mom and  her future sister-in-law flowers. Jef fits right in with Emily’s family. There’s no awkward moments, not a lot of eating, except from Ernie, Emily’s brother. Which, by the way, Ernie, where do we even start. He’s a character, and is truly showing his West Virginia ‘charm’, probably thinking, I can’t wait for this tapping to be over so I can get back to my dip.

Ernie and Jef may not see eye to eye in the clothing department, Emily’s dad may not know what the term ‘hispster’  means, but that doesn’t stop them from giving Jef their blessing.  Jef tells Emily’s mom that there isn’t a single ounce of him that would ever leave her and that makes mom’s heart happy. The day goes beyond well and Arie has some tough competition to follow.

Arie brings flowers too- only his are dead. What! It’s supposed to have sentimental value you ass. Emily’s dad says he doesn’t even know why Arie’s here, things went so well with Jef, what more could there be to see?

“I hear it’s best to go fishing when it’s overcast. That’s what I heard…” (face plam) Arie talks, a lot, when he gets nervous. Emily’s mom stops the  Arie monologue so the two of them can have a chat, and she realizes that Arie really is in it for true love. The whole time these two are talking all I can think about is Little Red Riding Hood, my Em’s mommy, what big ears you have! Arie brings up the fact that he’s dated a girl who was a single mom (again) and that he knows life will be very different after the show.

Arie schmoozes Emily’s family and Ernie tries to call his bluff by saying, you here sir are smooth talker, is this BS or are you here for the right reasons?

Ernie says, “After talking to Arie I’m confused.” Confused because he doesn’t know why he can’t have cool hair like Arie, or because he doesn’t know which guy he’d rather go fishing with?

I guess this fam forgot that you’re only supposed to give the blessing to one man.

Jef or Arie. Arie or Jef. Nobody knows. Emily’s pissed. The whole reason she brought her family here is so they could help her chose!

Jef get’s the first last date. Usually this isn’t a good sign for the final two, but in Jef’s case it really works in his favor. I applaud Emily’s eclectic choice of clothes, but what the hell was the neon green skirt thing she was wearing?? SO much tension, SO many feelings. Jef is pulling out the big guns as the two sit on the beach, telling her how he feels and how badly he wants to meet Ricki because he’s been thinking about her every day. Finally Jef convinces Emily to let him see Ricki.

Surprisingly this part of the date goes great. Jef high fives Ricki and does great with her. He borrows her pink goggles so the two can do monkey bars (her favorite trick in the pool) together. I’m pretty sure Emily’s lady parts are ready to explode by now. The date ends with setting some hermit crabs free into the sand, and discussing how monkey is a world traveler who likes cheetos, could the three of them be getting along any better?

Jef and Emily recap their time together throughout this season. They really did evolve so naturally. “I think it’s fate. I’ve never fallen in love like this,” Jef tells the camera about his feelings for Emily.

Their date ends with Jef giving Emily a gift. How swe-er, pratical. Jef gives Emily a coffee table book of Curacao. I get where the romantic gesture was in there, but, I wish he had done something cuter. Oh wait he did, he added Emily and Jef stick figures into random pages of the book (so much for her being able to return the thing). Jef awkwardly tells Emily, “thanks for everything you’ve ever done in your whole life”. 

“I get him and he ‘gets’ me. Not a lot of people ‘get’ me,” Emily says. Neither of them want anyone else, that much is clear.

So we were all expecting Emily and Arie’s final dates to be a tonsil hockey match in overtime.  Sadly there won’t be any makeout sessions this time. Emily has a serious talk with Chris about her feelings. She’s made up her mind. It’s Jef. He sealed the deal when he met Ricki and she saw how good the two of them were with each other. She knows she cannot go a date with Arie, as we all know, and she’s still figuring out, Emily is a sucky liar.

She has to end things with Arie. Too bad as Emily shows up Arie is plucking flowers with some gypsy lady to make her a love potion.  I wish someone has told him to stop. Arie even tells the camera that he cannot wait for Emily to finally say it back to him, that she loves him, because when he tells her he can see it in her eyes that she feels the same way. He cannot wait to propose to her. Blind sighted doesn’t even cut it.  

Emily does what I do when I have to let someone down. Sugarcoats it. Instead of being direct and to the point she tries to make him feel better, which only makes things worse. She tells Arie that she always thought it was going to the two of them until the end. She never thought there would be someone else. Except there is someone else. Ouch. Arie manages to maintain his composure and still doesn’t break down in the car, but you can see how much pain he’s in. Thank god she didn’t do the final rose. No one deserves to go through that kind of humiliation.

This rose ceremony was certainly unlike any other. I really wish rather than Emily immediately telling Jef that he was the last man standing I wish she had let him propose and then spill the beans. Still Jef delivers some beautiful words to her and finally gets down on one knee, it only takes the longest 10 seconds  of my life for Emily to say ‘yes’. I’m sure that $150,000 ring didn’t hurt when she made her decision to say yes and get engaged to  Jef. The two share a beautiful kiss, Emily finally gets to tell Jef she loves him and Jef accepts the final rose.

So how likely do you think it is that these two are going to get married, because you know if they do ABCs is going to be all over their shit. Another season over, who will be the next Bachelor, Arie, Sean or, the guy Alli dumped, Roberto?

Right now is a time for us to bridle these passions

The Bachelorette, Episode 9 Recap 

This week we find ourselves in the tropical island of Curacao (guess this area needed some help in the tourism department. I mean isn’t that why ABC keep’s picking new places??) We’re down to the final 3 guys:, Sean, Jef and Arie. Emily sheds some moreeye-opening, obvi reasons why she’s falling in love with these guys.

Sean and Emily had an immediate connection. Emily thinks he’s dad potential. He’s muscley and has a teddy bear heart.  Sean only wants to get married once, so if it’s the two of them at the end of this, she knows it will work.

Jef is his own person, with his own style and marches to the beat of his own drum. Anyone else hearing “me, me, me”?? Emily continues to mention how she likes guys with a little bit of an edge, which she feels Jef has. Jef brings out Emily’s silly side, he can make anything fun, because he has the potential to make the ordinary task an adventure. The two of them get each other, unlike any relationship she’s had in a really long time.

Arie and Emily hit it off from the first night. Arie’s a thoughtful guy who’s attentive and brings out the best in Emily. It appears she’s actually teary-eyed when talking about Arie, which I’m not sure is from camera editing or if it shows how strong her connection is with him. She says that she knows if they two of them are the ones standing at the end of this, Arie will adore her, and always be there for her, he would be her best friend and truly love her forever.

Emily says the scariest thing at this point in the show is sending the wrong guy home. After everything she’s been through she looks at love a little more realistically, but at the end of the day she’s still a girl who wants to fall in love, like a romantic fairytale.

First date: Sean. Emily says that he’s the only guy who hasn’t told her he loves her yet, which is making it hard for her to really give more of herself to him. Well I think he’s the only smart one because a) you can’t actually be in love yet and b) he knows that there’s a chance he won’t be the last guy standing, so why blurt out those words right away.

Today these two are going to an island of their very own out in the middle of the ocean. Romantic or terrifying? Where they’re just like, going to hang out. Their mode of transportation to said island, a helicopter. Is this the first helicopter of the season? Ben would be disappointed…

Sean clears up with his sister’s told Emily that he was very “buddy-buddy” with his past girlfriends, especially his last girlfriend. He says it’s because at a certain point he knew he loved her, but wasn’t in love with her, so he wasn’t really doing any of the sweet, romantic gestures that he does with Emily. He reiterates that he’s super selective with girls that he dates, but, he says, with Emily it’s different.

Emily is hoping her romantic dinner planned after their snorkeling adventure will be the push Sean needs to tell her he loves her. Pressure much?

Seans’ sorta already told Emily that he loves her, that much she should have picked up on by now. Apparently “I’m crazy for you” is code for I love you in Sean language.

Uh oh. Another letter. But this one’s not to Emily, this one is to Ricki.

Sean says he views love the same way he feels about proposing to someone. If you say you love someone then you should spend the rest of your life with them. And on cue, he finally tells Emily that he’s fallen in love with her. For that he gets to stay with her in her fantasy suite, BUT not all night, Emily is a mommy and she needs to set a good example for Ricki.

As Sean is leaving he says the knows he’s going to marry Emily.

Second date: Jef. Jef says he knows that he 100% loves Emily, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to end up with her, but it’s not over yet, not until he proposes to Emily.

Emily and Jef are spending their date on the water. Emily says that their relationship is in a good place, but she still worries Jef’s family won’t approve of her. Jef tells Emily that his family did in fact love Emily, and his siblings even called Jef’s parents to tell them what great girl Emily is, and that Jef’s parent want to meet Emily if she chooses him.

Jef says he loves parents, I’m good with parents, to which Emily replies, I’m a parent. Jef’s answer, “well cool.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Jef asks Emily if he’ll be a good parent. Emily says yea because you’re fun and because you actually want to be a dad. Jef says that they can make it because they balance each other out: Emily will help get Jef out of trouble and Jef will help Emily get into trouble. Aww. What a match made in heaven.

Jef really pours his heart out to Emily, he says “I want to spend every day with her like it’s our last.” I really do think Jef loves this girl. Maybe it’s fate that the two of them met. Could Emily and  Jef be our next Ryan and Trista?? Honest to god, true love, that was found on a reality tv show?

“I’m falling in love with a girl and I still don’t know how I fit in with the other most important thing in her life, her daughter, ” says Jef.  Emily does think hewould be the right fit for Ricki and her, that he could fit into their daily lives.

At dinner he asks Emily some tough questions- where will they live, why didn’t it work out with the other guys, who seemed like really good guys. Emily says that unlike some of the other guys, Jef ignites something inside of her that make her feel confident about herself, something she’s not felt with a guy in a while. Jef says the reason he’s still single is because he hasn’t seen the end goal with any of his past relationships, but with Emily he say he does see the final picture.

Emily hands the Jef the fantasy suite card. He turns her down. I think Jef is the first person in all of bachelor history to flat out say, NO I won’t have sex with you on a reality tv show. What a gentleman. Emily’s pissed because she didn’t get to the dumping that night, but she really respects Jef for respecting her and not wanting to be a bad role model to her daughter.

Third date: Arie. Do any of us this it’s a coincidence that Arie’s date was last?   

I think we can rate who’s turning Emily on the most based on the kisses she gives/receives from all of the guys, and clearly Arie’s kisses are on fire.

Emily and Jef are going swimming with the dolphins. Which I would have been stocked about, Emily not so much.

Arie says Emily is the love of his life, that he truly feels like she is his best friend, and that it’s hard to even talk when they’re around each other because all they want to do is kiss. And kiss. And kiss. Yup. We get it.

So since all they do is kiss, Emily says during dinner she needs to figure out beside physical chemistry what other types of chemistry they have.  She asks Arie what he does on a typical Tuesday. And  he says get up at 9, usually. Her response, “oh honey you’re in for a rude awakening.”

Arie too wants to know what their life would be like if they’re the last two standing. Emily tells him wherever you want to go, that’s where will go as long as we’re together.  Arie says he’s good with kids and he wants a chance to show Emily how good he can be with Ricki. Since he’s dated a woman with kid, Arie knows  a thing or two about how important it is to not be someone’s dad right away, but friends and someone who’s fun to hang out with. The dad stuff comes later.

Arie doesn’t just tell Emily how he feels about her, he shows her too. Oh yes, he definitely has no problem showing her. So, that’s why Emily cannot give Arie the fantasy suite card, because girlfriend knows that she won’t want Arie to keep it in his pants.

Rose ceremony. Hold up. Before we talk about the rose ceremony let’s talk about her attire this evening. wtf is she wearing? She looks like a  mermaid. Honey Halloween is in October. Emily is overwhelmed with emotion. She’s let all 3 guys have a special place in her heart and she’s not ready to say goodbye to any of them.  She’s said that this is the first rose ceremony where she isn’t sure that she will be sending the right guy home, up until now she’s been happy and confident with her eliminations.

Emily: “It wouldn’t suck if I didn’t have  3 great guys, but I do. I have 3 great guys.”

She knows she’s going to hurt someone, and she knows because all 3 dates were perfect that none of the guys will see it coming. And even though you have to go to through heartbreak to find the person to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t mean it will be easy along the way.

Sean is going home. And at least he does it gracefully.  He was SO SURE that he was going to marry her, so for her to not pick him is unfathomable to him. He says it hurts more than he can explain, and I bet it does, because we can clearly see how broken Emily is over saying goodbye to him too.

Next week the men tell all. We’ll get to see all the guys we loved to hate (Ry Ry I’m looking at you!). Will Emily pick Arie or Jef, or just walk away from both of them? How disappointing would that be if she walks away from both guys! I’m still team Jef, but I guess we’ll see if this blond grows a pair, goes with her gut, and let’s one of these men propose to her.

Final thoughts, is Emily’s final episode on  Sunday because the ending is so anticlimactic that ABC’s is hoping to boost ratings with the newest season the Bachelor Pad?

She made me a believer again…of falling in love
The Bachelorette Recap, Episode 8

Well it’s time for Emily to meet Chris, Jef, Arie and Sean’s families. It’s hometown week. Was it just meet or did all of the families seem overly normal? No one was really crazy, sure, there were some differences like eating armadillo versus speaking in Dutch, but for the most part these families didn’t have any major red flags.

Emily tells us a little bit about why these 4 guys are still here. She says she likes Chris because he can admit when he’s wrong. Jef she likes him because they both “get each other” and he makes her feel like no one else is around when their together, Arie, well she’s obvi attracted to him, but they had an immediate connection that’s only grown stronger, and then there’s Sean who makes her feel safe, taken care of and is so confident with such a good heart.

First hometown: Chris, Chicago, IL. Emily sneaks up on Chris, and it’s sorta of a foreshadowing of where their relationship is headed isn’t it? Chris didn’t see his elimination coming at all, just like he didn’t see her when she arrived in Chicago. Chris tells the camera that he’s first generation Polish, and “on a scale of 1 to Polish, his family is Polish.” 

Emily and Chris share an awkward beer at a run down, I mean quaint, Polish American restaurant and the two bury the hatch about the last rose ceremony. He says how sorry he is for being a baby.

When they get to Chris’ parents house we find out his family is very nice and down to earth. Emily asks Chris’s dad the loaded question- is Chris ready to be a dad? Signs point towards yes, according to dad. When Chris talks to his mom about Emily she give him the typical response- “if she makes you happy then I’m happy.” 

This dates goes splendidly, so much so that this polish man tells this country girl he’s in love with her.

Second hometown: Jef, St George, UT. I mean before their date even gets started we can see a complete transformation in Emily’s attitude towards Jef as compared to her time with Chris. She’s grinning from ear to ear, kissing him more, and just being entirely more affectionate with him. Jef is teaching Emily how to shoot before meeting his family, he tells her in his witty, sarcastic tone, “you better do good today, or we’re done!”

Apparently this boy can do more than say “like” a thousand times. Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such good aim. He isn’t the only one who’s handled a gun before. Emily knows a thing or two about guns too…if anyone knows anything about a west virginia girl, they usually know how to shoot a gun.

Finally it’s time to meet the family. Jef’s older brother grills Emily first, he asks her a lot of questions about how she thinks the two of them will make it in the long run and Emily says she’s asking the right questions this time, questions she didn’t ask with Brad. She gets put through the ringer again when all of Emily’s sisters ask her more questions. They ask her if, she’s in fact, falling in love with him, and while she doesn’t go out and say yes, Emily’s feelings are definitely headed in that direction.

Jef tells Emily that her meeting his family was eye-opening, and only confirmed how strongly he feels about her. But wait, there’s more. A letter. A love letter. Only this time it’s not a 7 page creeper status note from Ry Ry. Well dammit Jef. You did it again. I mean that note, is that for real?!? Where do you find those words? Please, don’t tell me ABC made him do it, that would ruin my impression of him, because guys like Jef don’t come around very often.

Third hometown: Arie, Scottsdale, AZ. Their date begins on the race track and Emily declares that Arie “looks stupid hot.” Emily is jones-ing for Arie big time.

The two sit down for a picnic after Arie takes Emily on her first Indie car ride. But the only thing I could focus on, besides wondering what type of white wine they were drinking, is those red soles, I bet those helped blow her clothing budget…

Arie admits that his parents are different than most. They’re both European, and it’s Arie’s mom she has to worry about winning over. Emily is about to get fed to the lions. As soon as they sit down Arie’s mom starts speaking in Dutch, which was so awkward. Luckily Arie turns the conversation around quickly and says that they were only saying good things about her. Emily and Arie’s hot mom have a chat. She asks Emily why Brad and her didn’t work out. She says it was the fundamentals, they just didn’t have them. Arie’s dad doesn’t have too much ground breaking advice to offer him except that he hopes he makes it to the end. 

Fourth hometown: Sean, Dallas, TX. This was probably the best date. The “jokes” they play on Emily are so messed up! How she manages to keep her cool without losing her shit is pretty awesome. Sean greets Emily with his two gorgeous dogs. Emily jokes that even his dogs are perfectly behaved.

Before meeting his family Sean tells Emily that he was in love with a girl for 3 years, but in his heart he knew it wasn’t right, she wasn’t the one, but he does feel like Emily could finally be that right girl.

Of course the perfect man would have the perfect family. Sean’s niece shows Emily her swanky playhouse, but not just any playhouse, the Kensington Palace. Oh  you didn’t have one of those growing up?

The perfect man finally HAS A FLAW!!! HE LIVES AT HOME. JUST KIDDING!  What kind of cruel joke is that?!? I have to believe that ABC had something to do with that. And I  was really hoping Emily was going to flip out on him, but no, she just stayed cool as a cucumber. She even says, upon seeing his messy room, “oh don’t worry I can clean.” My response would have been it was nice knowing you…I’m outtie.

Sean tells his dad that this experience has been life-changing, that he’s opened up to Emily and told her more things about himself that he has with any other girl. Wasn’t Sean’s dad the sweetest? Sherry, Sean’s mom, tells Sean, if you’re not 100% sure that you want the same things she does, (being a husband, father and having a family) you need to tell her that because this is real life and she’s not playing around.

Emily will fit in very nice with this family. As they’re saying their goodbyes, ABC chooses to do a nice, obnoxious close-up of their kiss. Why?!? And, just like in Prague, Sean seeks out one last kiss by chasing her SUV down his cul-de-sac.

Rose Ceremony. Chris and Emily rehash this past week’s hometown dates. Every single one went well. Like, really, really well.

Arie gets the first rose, Jef gets the second rose, and Sean gets the last rose of the evening. That means Chris is going home. Cue the freak out.

Chris is pissed, he wants an explanation- again. He told her he loved her and he cannot understand why she didn’t keep him. Emily simply says her other relationships developed further than theirs, which he just doesn’t believe. What kills me is while he’s being a total ass to her, she still tries to give him the benefit of the doubt. She says maybe tomorrow she’ll wake up and realize she made a mistake. Doubtful, but nice of her to soften the blow. 

Next week they’re headed to the Caribbean island of Curacao. We’re down to the final 3 and it’s no surprise that Emily is worried…she’s falling in love with all three men and she knows she’s about to break some more hearts.

A day late, A dollar short

The Bachelorette, Episode 7 Recap

We’re in Prague this week, it might be even prettier than Croatia, except for all the rain. So why all the hype over the whole Arie dating an ABC producer? I mean wow, way to get us all excited over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Rude ABC. This is a big week for the guys. The week before the hometown dates. Pressures on boys…let’s see what you got.

First date. Date card reads: “Arie, let’s Czech out Prague together.”  “I’m going to be your tour guide for the day. You’re in trouble.” Emily says to Arie. Oh the pretty blonde bombshell isn’t good with directions. Shocker. Did anyone else have trouble focusing on anything else other than the pimples on his face? You think ABC would have helped him out with that, guess not…  If there’s one thing these two can do is kiss. Which Emily makes a point to tell the camera that she likes to kiss him- a lot. Which she shows him, by kissing him- a lot. Riveting TV we have right her boys and girls.

The whole scene regarding Emily knowing about Arie’s past relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie is just obnoxious. How many more times is she going to ask him in a roundabout way, so Arie, ARE YOU SURE you’re being totally, completely, 100% honest with me? And didn’t you love his response, when he says, oh you want me to be honest with you, okay, I had a tattoo of my ex-girlfriend’s name on my arm. Haha, now that is good TV. Arie is oblivious to what’s really bothering Emily. Didn’t you love how Chris tells us that Cassie, Arie and Emily discussed  this non-issue off camera. How convenient for them all. 

Arie and Emily’s evening ends on cloud nine. They kiss, a lot. Emily realizes she has completely blown the situation between Arie and Cassie out proportion and this blip in their relationship isn’t enough to end it. Emily says she’s worried about Arie’s family not liking her, but he says to have faith in him, and they are going to love you, oh and “I love you” too. Apparently when you say “I love you” Emily rewards you with a romantic display of fireworks! As happy as I am for the two of them I’m also equally bored…

Second date. Date card reads: “Jon, In Prague all you need is love.”  Jon is ecstatic, while Chris thinks he’s playing cool, but his body language is not subtle at all. He wants a one-on-one date and he wants it now! Emily and Jon need to kick this date into high gear if they stand a chance at finding love. All right I gotta hand it to Emily. This a cool date. Maybe it’s because All You Need is Love is my favorite Beatles song, but getting to see this famous Lennon wall is a cool piece of history.

OH. MY. GOD. Again? Again with the cheesy love metaphors? Eternal love locks? I think I’m starting to miss Benji and all of his helicopters… But wait,  it’s get better… after their love lock didn’t quite lock, she’s taking him to another creepy, old, ancient building for dinner. On tonight’s menu: a dungeon. The two surprisingly share a good conversation over dinner, but I’m still unsure if it’s enough to get Jon a hometown date.

Emily’s night isn’t over yet. Sean needs to see her. He needs alone time with Emily before their group date tomorrow. She definitely looked pleasantly surprised to see him. Um yea, how could you not be happy? That boy is stunning and he came for her. It would make any girl grin from ear to ear.

Right before we break for commercial we see Chris unravel even more, he says, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’d be scared for anyone around me.” Ok psycho.

Group Date. Date card reads: “Sean, Doug, and Chris, Let’s find our happily ever after.”  Chris is pissed. Especially because his group date is with muscle-y armed Doug and Sean. Doug should be a motivational speaker. The amount of positive energy oozing from him is almost infuriating . Tone it down super dad.

Poor Dougy. He just can’t get his shit together. He’s all over the place. He like an awkward school boy trapped inside a handsome man’s body. Their alone time didn’t go well. Emily needs to feel loved and adored and Doug is capable of doing anything but that.

How about that kiss? Most awkward kiss of all time. “Have a good one,” the words Doug mutters when she say she needs to send him home. I feel for the guy, he’s trying, like, really, really trying, but it’s clear his game needs some work. In fact it needs a makeover.

Doug says he just wanted to get to know Emily without involving too much physicality to their relationship. Well guess what Doug, this is a reality tv show, playing it safe doesn’t get you the girl. If you don’t show her that she makes you feel all warm in your pants then you’re going home. Bottom line.

“That’s a big key. That’s a man’s key.” Why yes it is Sean. Sean has the winning key and gets to spend the first alone time with Emily on this now two-on-one date. Chris says he’s going to ask Emily why he didn’t get the one-on-one this week, but either he didn’t ask her, or ABC didn’t show it. Either way, all we get to see from their alone time is Emily pumping Chris’s ego back up. He’s flailing. We’ve seen it a thousand times before, the guy who gets the first one-on-one date usually ends up becoming the most insecure. I’m not seeing the same connection between the two of them anymore, I think there are other guys here she’s falling harder for than Chris.

Third date. Date card reads: “Jef, this is your chance to pull at my heart strings.”  Jef=puppet master? He made that Michael Jackson puppet his bitch. The two put their puppets to good use and put on a puppet show in a gorgeous old library. He really does know exactly the right thing to say, and, without sounding overly cheesy.   He tells Emily through the puppet that he is 100, no, 100,000,000 percent in love with her and he can’t imagine his life without her.

Their date only gets better. Jef tells Emily that he is so excited to bring Emily home to meet his family. Then he also says that he brought a girl home once who his family didn’t like and they broke up. So obviously Emily freaks out, but that feeling is quickly replaced with feelings of elation. I mean these two, their chemistry is undeniable. From what I’m seeing, I’m seeing Jef is the last man standing. He wants what Emily wants, he wants all of it, the family, the minivan, and he wants it yesterday too. His best line of the night, “I want date you so hard and marry the f**k outta you.”

Rose Ceremony. Or lack thereof. Emily’s mind is made up. No rose ceremony tonight.  Queue Chris’s freak out. He knows he’s on the chopping block.   Right as she’s about to hand out the last rose Chris decides he has to talk to her. I’m not going to lie, I think even as good as Jon and Emily’s date was, I still think she was more connected to Chris than Jon. So while Chris did owe that apology, with or without that apology I think he was staying.

Things aren’t getting any easier for our bachelorette. Next week after she meets Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie’s families. It looks like it’s anything but smooth sailing for Emily as she’s about to start making the really hard eliminations.

Can I tell you a secret? I’m freaking crazy about you.

The Bachelorette, Episode 6 Recap

Croatia. It’s like Venice- only cooler. I am completely in awe of its beauty. Travis says it  best, Emily might be the only thing more beautiful than these Croatian views. Emily surprises the guys, where’s Chris Harrison? Apparently she’s delivering the first date card today.

First date. Date card reads: “Travis, Let’s look for love beyond the walls.” Now before we talk about this date I have to mention how much Travis looks like Rascal Flatt’s lead singer, Gary Levox. I mean seriously they should be related or something! Emily’s right, Travis and her are like two fish out of water. These country folk aren’t worldly travelers. Doing the two-step, or whatever you wanna call those dance moves they busted out in front of the musician was hysterical.

Oh god, here we go again…another love metaphor. This time it’s a balancing stone. Apparently Travis is going to have good luck in love (just maybe not with this blonde) because he was able to balance on one leg on this “magical” stone, but he didn’t take his shirt off. Tisk, tisk, Travis, should of removed the shirt. Is that why she let him go…?

Even though these two had a wonderful date Travis  isn’t getting out of the friend zone. Emily tells him she can’t give him the rose tonight. Travis actually seems like a great guy, but, I hate to say it, Ryan was right when he said that Travis needs a spunkier, more outgoing woman.

Group date. Date card reads: “Lasting love requires bravery.” Ryan’s name doesn’t get called. All of the guys ask him how he’s feeling because he’s going on his second one-on-one. I’m surprised he was able to answer seeing as how he had sausaged himself into Emily’s tank top. I mean we all knew Ryan was weird, he wears bump-its for crying out loud, but women’s clothing? No, no, no.

Brave. The title of the movie the guys are seeing with Emily, and the word Emily uses to describe herself in this situation. But wait, there’s more…after watching the movie the guys now have to compete in their very own rendition of the highland games. Complete with emasculating attire. I cannot find the sexy in a kilt, sorry boys, this is not a good look for any of you.

What a fine ass you have. Ha. Boys in skirts, riding on asses. It’s just too much. First up, archery…Arie does very well. Chris, not so much. Sean’s up. He not only completes the second challenge, he actually breaks the log, Arie’s hoping  that’s grounds for disqualification. “I’m not gonna lie, that was freaking hot!” says Emily. Despite how much Chris sucks, he still gets the bravery award. Um, good job, way to not be a meat head?

Sean may not have gotten the Bravery cup, but he does get the reassurance from Emily that she’s still into him and his muscles. Emily admits to Arie that she does hold him to higher standards than most of the guys, clearly Arie is in the running to be one of the last guys standing.  Emily and Jef pick up right where they left off. He says to her that she’s the type of girl people write novels about. Seriously? Where is this guy from? Chris has this creepy/happy/boyish smile on his face as he’s talking to Emily. You would too if you were getting the rose.

Second date. Date card reads: “Ryan, The world is our oyster.” As Ryan is packing up his stuff  I can’t help but stare at his obnoxious facial hair. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy with a beard like that before. It’s like an epidemic of hair on his face that’s taking over, and rather than stopping the bullshit that’s coming out of his mouth, it’s like it’s instigating it.

“I’m hoping at this point, this is the last time I ever have to see Ryan again,” says Arie. Oh us too.

“This aint exactly putting me in the mood,” Emily says after they go shucking for oysters. The oysters or spending time with Ryan? It’s hard to decipher these things sometimes.  

After their done with the oysters Emily and Ryan sit down to talk. Ryan babbles on and on about how Emily might be the person God put on this earth for  him. And just as Emily is about this thank him for his kinds words he blurts out the words “trophy wife” again and Emily immediate retracts her statement. She says that trophies don’t talk back, and Ryan says, well you’d be the first of that kind. Lucky girl.

Over dinner Ryan pulls out a piece of paper. He’s made a list of 12 qualities he wished his future wife would have…a loving family wasn’t on his list…anywhere. Which means no rose. Unlike most guys Ryan doesn’t take this humbly, he tells her why she’s making a terrible decision. Basically she knows she can’t be perfect enough for him, and would always feel like she was leaving him unfulfilled.

Celebration. The emotion felt by all of the guys when ABC came to pick up Ryan’s luggage.

Ryan’s last words. “I hope your guys [ABC] doing a good job of cutting me up, and not making me look like an arrogant ass.”

Arie pulls a Courtney, only there’s not skinny dippy involved in this fairy tale. He meets up with Emily after her date with Ryan. He tells Emily that she made the right decision by letting Ryan go.  She “gives” him the rose that was meant for Ryan and tells him how happy she is that he has her back. Arie is doing all the right things to make Emily know that she’s the one for him.

Rose Ceremony. After sending Travis and Ryan home we’re down to 6 guys. It’s gettinhot serious in hurrr. Emily voices that Jon and Doug are on the chopping block.

Jon gets some alone time with her first. He immediately pulls out his grandparents funeral cards. This means a lot for Emily because she’s been there with Ricki when he passed and she knows what it’s like to hold that card.

Doug may have gotten the first impression rose, but she’s not feeling the fireworks anymore.  His self-deprecating manner needs to stop. Rather than saying he’s prefect for her, he says he’s probably the right guy for her. And then there are tears (because he’s missing his son). Doug’s clearly ready to go home, which is probably where is self-confidence went.

A Bachelor/Bachelorette first. Emily is not only not handing out the final rose. She’s keeping all 6 guys: Jef, Arie, Chris, Sean, Doug and Jon.

Prague  is the next destination on Emily’s journey. Next week’s kicker: Arie, the golden boy, used to date Emily’s producer. Awk-ward…

I Just Want Someone to Share the Details With…

The Bachelorette, Episode 5 Recap

We’ve left the exotic islands of Bermuda for dreary, cold, London, England. Now we all know Bermuda isn’t tropical, but I’d much rather have stayed there(to work on my tan, duh!) than go to London. I mean I guess the Big- er, what’s that called? Right. The Big Ben is cool to look at- if tourist traps are your thing. As cute as Ricki is, that hat Emily/ABC made her wear is killing me. Ugh.  I hate it.

Chris meets the boys in Trafalgar Square to discuss this week’s events. Is it just me, or has Chris starting dress better this season? Maybe it’s the divorce, either way, Chris is looking sharp these days.

First Date. The date card reads: Sean “love takes no prisoners”. Their date: a double decker bus to sightsee all of iconic London.

Can we stop for a second and talk about Emily shoes. Who goes sightseeing in heels? I don’t care how good they look with my outfit heels do not make for a enjoyable day of walking the streets of London.

Emily and Sean takes cutesy pics all over London and finally settle down for a  picnic. Both of them agree that good guys/girls are hard to come by, especially because good looking guys like you are usually boring, says Emily. But not Sean!

Let me tell you what I think about love…Sean takes a step onto the Speakers Corner box and decided to philosophically (if that’s what you want to call it) talk about his knowledge of love. Sean’s never experienced great love, but he has been in the presence of great love, his parents (aww, tear). He’s hopeful that there is great love in his future with a pretty blonde girl named Emily.

Prison. Where romance happens. Or at least that’s what Emily thinks. She takes Sean to a historic prison for dinner, totally contradicting herself by saying he is her prisoner of love for the night. Emily tells a historic tale of how King Henry kept his eight wives here, and if he’s not careful she’ll be off with his head! Sean really is the whole package in Emily’s eyes, and she thinks he’s beyond husband material and worthy of this rose. Score for Sean and his six-pack abs. Can we see those again please??

You gotta remember, every day is going to be a group date, Ricki, Emily and you, says Kalon. D-bag. Apparently while Emily and Sean are away Kalon will play. He throws around a whole bunch of sarcastic comments about Emily and her baggage. I think we pretty much all knew, especially from the previews, that Kalon wasn’t going to be around much longer.

Group Date. The date card reads: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. Obvi the boys are doing some acting, Shakespearean acting to be exact. Kalon’s pissed he’s going on another group date, “This date idea doesn’t smell sweet, it smells like shit.” Well that’s one way to put it…The boys are going to be reenacting scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Arie hates to act and is terrified to audition.

Keep your day jobs boys. Hollywood doesn’t have a spot for you. Arie and Doug are so bad they’re playing chicks. Chicks dig guys dressed as chicks right? Travis has no problem making fun of himself, while Kalon, proves to continue being a huge D, he tells Emily to run along so he can keep practicing his lines and beat Ryan. Hey moron, this competition isn’t about beating Ryan, it’s about making Emily see what a catch you are. But you’re not a catch are you? And beating Ryan will probably be the highlight of your time on this show won’t it?

But wait, there’s more, they’re performing in front of a live audience. fml is right Arie. Doug takes the high road and say, “I’m going to be the best damn woman I can be.”

It’s quite evident how Emily feels about Kalon. As he’s performing she says that even though he got the most romantic scene it was the most unromantic moment. Ouch. For this group date Arie is the Charlie of the day, he’s like, totally freaking out. If Shakespeare were alive today he would say “thoust suck!” Arie hit the nail right on the head.

The second part of the group date is much more casual, enjoying some beers at a local pub. Arie gets the first alone time with Emily and they don’t waste any time getting down to business, business being kissing of course.

STOPPED. DEAD. IN. MY. TRACKS. Ry Ry gives her jewelry, and not just any jewelry her favorite kind of jewelry. He thinks this is going to get him a kiss, maybe it did, and maybe it didn’t, all we got to see was a hug.

Chris pulls Arie aside and talks to him about Kalon’s behavior.  Apparently Ricki was referred to as “baggage”, but he didn’t mean it in a negative connotation. Of course he didn’t… But let’s pause for a second. In Kalon’s defense, he sucks with words, and I truly don’t think he meant it badly, but, because he’s an idiot, and young, and inexperienced, he consistently puts his foot and his mouth and this time he went WAY TOO FAR. Calling someone’s child “baggage” is always crossing the line. Doug decides to tell her about his words. And Emily’s PISSED. I thought her head was going to pop off. ”I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass” says Emily. Damn she can be feisty when she wants to be. Kalon is sent home immediately. You have to feel for her right? No rose will be handed out on this group date.

The second date. The date card reads. “Jef: ?” Did they ever show the second date card? Either I missed it or ABC better fire someone. Two for tea please! Emily and Jef are having a lovely afternoon of traditional English tea.

“Here I am so looking forward to a one on one date with Emily, but what I have is a two on one date with Emily and Jean,” says Jef. Jean is really, really, really, really thorough when it comes to the etiquette of afternoon tea. “I thought it was a really good idea, but I’m ready to get the hell out of here,” says Emily. I guess that’s her hoodrat side coming out again, the side that doesn’t do tea.

Emily and Jef ditch Jean and head to a pub for some fish ‘n’ chips and a more relaxed setting. Jef brings up Kalon and says that if Ricki’s baggage, then she’s the Cloe of baggage, the vintage Louboutin of bags. Nicely done Jef, you have successfully emasculated yourself. What straight guy knows that much about women’s handbags? Jef has no problem with words, but if he wants to win this blondey over he’s going to have to show her, aka make out sess.

The last part of their date is spent eating dessert on the London eye. These two have a surprisingly good rapport. She is smiling ear to ear, she really, really likes him. Jef pays her compliment after compliment and he still won’t touch or kiss her. Man this boy is SHY. Jef tells Emily he would like to be best friends with you. Wow he’s making my heart melt. FINALLY THEY KISS. Jef says it was by far he’s most anticipated kiss he’s ever experienced. After their date is over Jef goes on to say Emily is the type of girl that they write fairy tales about. This guy is smitten. I’m pretty sure if Emily doesn’t take him off the market there are going to be a million other girls waiting in line to date him. He is so shockingly genuine and honest- am I still watching the Bachelorette?!? 

Rose ceremony.  There’s a lot of tension in the room tonight. Emily is grilling these guys, trying to figure out who’s there for the right reasons, and who actually has her back after this whole Kalon debacle. Travis is on the hot seat, Jon is on the hot seat, Arie is on the hot seat. She’s especially mad at him because she felt closer to him than most guys, and the fact that he didn’t have her back, hurt that much more.

Ryan. Mr smooth operator isn’t in the hot seat tonight. He pulls some Shakespearean crap on her and reels her in for another kiss. Wouldn’t you know it, she’s falling for it. Emily even tells the camera, “What do you know, I’ve turned a corner with Ryan. I find myself liking him more and more.” Emily is cray cray if she thinks Ryan is the man for her.

Sean is safe tonight because he had the first date this week. He assures Emily that if he’d been there he would have stood up for her. Emily says she has butterflies with Sean, not in her stomach, in her heart. I think the tables are turning this week…Arie is no longer on that pedestal.

Oh ABC how you toy with my emotions. Making me think Arie was going home. You don’t fool me. I think we’re all surprised Alejandro lasted this long, we knew that was never gonna happen.

Next week Emily and the boys are going to Croatia. Now that is an awesome location. The previews for the following episodes are intense. Of course all these guys are ALL falling for her. Girls want to be her and guys want to marry her. Simple as that. Emily is going to break a lot of hearts this season, no doubt about that.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

The Bachelorette, Episode 4 Recap

Yikes. This week is the dreaded 2-on-1 date.

True to her word, Ricki goes wherever Emily goes. And this week we’re going to Bermuda. The guys all arrive on vespas and I just can’t. It’s impossible to find vespa’s sexy. I don’t care how good looking the guy is. You aren’t going to turn me on if you show up on a vespa.

First Date. The date card reads: Doug, “Let our senses lead the way.” Doug seems nervous. Hmm, what’s that about. Emily and Doug go shopping through the town streets. It seems Doug is the perfect guy for this date. He continues to be this perfect man, always saying, and doing the right thing. He even tells Emily Superman wasn’t going to show up so Doug had to. He’s Superdad. Kuddos to Emily on sending a postcard to Doug’s son Austin. Uh oh, what’s that I spy? Another urban love omen? First the love clock in WV, now this stone structure in Bermuda. What’s with her?  During dinner Emily grills Doug trying to figure out what his flaws are. When she can’t get any answers other than spending too much time with his son she tell him what her flaw are. She says “I stay in my PJs all day. Not only do I stay in my PJs all day, I go out in my PJs, like in public. Oh and I don’t workout.” Puh-lease. Girl there is no way  you are naturally that fit. I refuse to believe it. Maybe Doug’s one of those diamonds in the rough, who’s a honest to god good guy. When he gets the rose he says, “I’m just Doug with a rose.” No fireworks for these two tonight. If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know…

Group Date. The date card reads: “Let’s set sail on the sea of love.” The guys all seem really excited for this date, but none of them have any experience in sailing. Maybe a booze cruz, but as Emily says, “That does not a sailor make.” Just like during Benji’s season, this group date is a competition, only this time the game isn’t softball. Whoever wins the sailing race will get to stay and be a part of the second date while the losers have to go back to the house. Ryan comes out with his doucheyness and says, “ I don’t care what team I’m on as long as we win.” Always a team player…

And the boys with less testosterone win the race, aka the Yellow Team. We have another crier. Charlie. For serious?  A big oaf of a dude like that is shedding tears, maybe it’s time to lay off the droids. Let’s play a game, how many douchey comments can Ry Ry can make in one episode? Well for starters there was the comment about Emily being his “trophy wife”. What century are you living in bro?

During Arie’s alone time Emily and him share another passionate. Chemistry? I think yes.

Jef with one ‘F’ really, like, like’s Emily, like for real, like. Chill out with the likes, dude. I get that your nervous around her, but pull it together. You sound like a 5^th grader giving their first toast masters speech.

Before Ry Ry has some alone time with Emily he tells us all about his master plan and how he already knows  “she’s attracted to me and I’m attracted to her.” Ugh, make it stop. Apparently this is the Ryan show. “She’s the bachelorette and she’s been given a great deal of responsibility and I want to see her do a lot with it.” Emily calls his bluff, by basically asking him, where he’s pulling all this bull s**t from? His response, dodging the question completely, because “God designed you to be a  beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman.” Emily has more patience that I do. At this point I would have sent him home. But wait, is she actually APOLOGIZING to him. Why? For her openly passionate kiss with Arie.  She feels like he’s judging her, OF COURSE he’s judging you. He’s middle name is judgey mcjudgerson.

I’m actually happy when Emily gives the rose, to like, Jef with one ‘F’. Ryan thinks this was a smart move on her part, because if it had gone to Arie he’d be pissed. Who the hell asked your opinion?

Two on One Date. The date card reads: “John and Nate, Let’s explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.”  As the 3 of them set sail on a beautiful yacht, there is major drams back at the house. Chris is obvi upset by Doug’s comment that a man at the age of 30 knows more than a man who’s 25. Of course Chris disagrees. He’s 25. 

Back to the two on one date. After an exhilarating jump into the ocean, it’s time for dinner. Nate breaks the awkward silence by exclaiming, is that que-no-ah? I think he meant quinoa, but we’ll let that slide… We’ve got ANOTHER crier, this time it’s Nate’s turn, granted he is talking about how wonderful his family is, but still, the crying just has to stop, especially this early in the game. When it’s John’s turn he’s completely opposite of Nate. He says, hey if you just want to get to know me, then you’ll get to know me. He exudes confidence, and Emily’s diggin it. Naturally he gets the rose. The look on Nate’s face when he’s not picked is heart breaking, he really wanted it. Tonight just wasn’t his night.

Rose Ceremony. Before I say anything. Can I just say how much Emily’s fake ponytail hair piece is bothering me? She has such beautiful hair, why ABC, why? It’s distracting me from  her time with the guys. She talks to Alejandro first, who we’ve seen very little of. I’m guessing he’s going home tonight.

Lucky us, we get to spend more time with Ry Ry’s obnoxious personality.  He goes on, and on, and on about how perfect he is and how blessed he is and how wonderful of a connection they have and it’s just plain nauseating. Head of the pack, head of who’s pack?

Arie comes to steal her away and she tells him when she’s not around the boys he’s the first person she is thinking about. Awww

Come ABC, please stop cutting to Ry Ry. He tells guy with a ponytail (because honestly I have no idea what his name is) that he can see a lot of potential with Emily, but that he might actually be called to do something bigger than this, because he has friends in the media industry back home and he could have his own show, bachelor Ryan, you know, if he really wanted to. Yes that’s just what America needs. More of you. I think I’d rather watch Ben and Courtney go at it before putting you on tv.

A breath of fresh air. Sean makes an appearance. It’s short and sweet, but just long enough to share a passionate kiss.

During Chris’ one-on-one time with Emily he brings up his age and how he’s offended by comments being made that he’s not mature enough to win Emily’s heart. I applaud him for this move. While he may not be my front runner, I like that he’s not going down easy, he seems to be here for all the right reasons.  The fight’s not over yet. Chris confronts Doug about his behavior. Doug basically makes him look like a fool, asking him why he’s getting so worked up over nothing. Don’t you hate it when people do that in real life!

Chris Harrison always sheds light on a tough situation doesn’t he? Emily confirms what we already know, Ry Ry isn’t pulling the wool over her eyes, she sees what’s going on and how manipulative he can be. Ryan and Doug seem to be the two consistent people that the guys are complaining about. Alejandro clearly isn’t ready to be a dad and she send him and Charlie (sort of a shocker right?) home.

Next week the guys are going to London. Buckle up it’s looking pretty rough out there. Things are heating up as true intentions start to come out. Someone calls Ricki “baggage” sending Emily into a state of furry. This statement clearly trumps Alessandro calling Ricki a “compromise”.